I was back in the existentialism classroom at the college I attended. A Russian woman was speaking as I came out of a distant place and thought. The room was quiet. I must have missed something. I looked around the room. The teacher was looking at me. I smiled slightly and he looked away. I looked down at my desk. He said something but I don’t remember what. The class ended. I walked out and turned back towards the door to connect with another classmate. He and I were the only two Black people. I saw some faces. I smiled at them but they looked away.
I wondered what happened when I was not “there.”
The other Black student told me that the Russian woman was saying derogatory things about Black people, that they did not want to work, and that they were lazy. I sat closer to her than he did and I heard nothing she said. He wondered what I was doing and I did not hear her comments. I could only say, “Wow.” It became apparent that I was looked toward to responding to her comments. I did not.
I thought about this day many times since. I know people experience “do-overs”, opportunities to change the outcome of events, personal or public. For example, people think of eliminating Hitler, long after his demise. (He reportedly died in Oregon in 2002.) I thought of that day in class. I thought of what I would say in response to what she said, but that was based on what my classmate said and not what I would have heard. There’s a difference: I can hear what people say and hear what they are not saying.
It was not until today, over forty years later, that I realized what happened. I felt that I was saved. I went “somewhere else” in mind. I was not mentally in the classroom although my body was in the chair. I was distracted. I know now that it was energetic. Some weeks before in that class, another white woman, in effect, called me stupid. We were discussing Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road.” I was assertive in my response to what she said to me. I felt that I was holding back but went with it anyway. I was short of literally telling her off.
The second time could have been worse. This woman said very inflammatory stuff, however, right now, I thank Spirit for the distraction. I often thought about what I would have said or would have done to her; what repercussions there might have been, and the fallout. This tape is gone. The do-overs, the shoulda-coulda-wouldas are over now. I am smiling and shaking my head about this late discovery of a gift I received. Thank you, Distractors, for directing my attention to something else I needed at that time. Please acknowledge my acceptance of your assistance in the future. Looking at the time span in between, Spirit has obliged.
Allison L. Williams Hill is an artist, designer, planner, healer, Integrative Health Coach, and inventor. She shares her work and services through
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